Pressing reset (or maybe just pause)

IMG_0629

Last night I got back from a week-long vacation at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico.  The vacation came at a very good time.  I was starting to get really mired down in negative thoughts, thoughts that convinced me that I was being used, wasn’t cared about, and was a failure.  The rainy darkness that is winter in Vancouver certainly wasn’t helping.

Basking in the sun felt like being enveloped in a week-long hug.  I had a spa treatment, did some writing and reading, and started on a bullet journal.  It’s a lot easier to practice mindfulness when there are so many lovely stimuli to be aware of.  I had no “to do” list, and aside from checking my email once a day I was totally offline.

The thing is, though, that no matter how paradisiac the setting is, you can’t truly get a vacation from yourself and your illness.  There is always the knowledge that this sun-drenched escape is fleeting, and nothing about regular life has actually changed.  So while my vacation was generally good, it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies.  The day that marked the midpoint of my trip was particularly plagued with rumination and self-doubts.  I don’t usually get sucked too deeply into comparing myself to others, but I found myself falling into that trap, particularly when it came to body image.  I was also catastrophizing about various things going in my life, even worrying that someone had called the local emergency mental health service about me regarding something that had happened shortly before I left.  A potential suicide plan briefly but seriously crossed my mind.

I found a few strategies to help settle me down.  I would move around, from beach, to family pool, to snack bar, etc., and somehow those little shifts helped me put a lid on my thoughts somewhat.  I maintained a very simple but consistent routine that minimized the need to make any decisions.  Every morning I went for an hour-long barefoot walk along the beach; on a couple of days the serenity of that walk that got hijacked by my negative mind, but mostly it was a peaceful, mindful, therapeutic recharger.  It was also helpful that one of the female staff at the buffet was the perfect cheerleader.  She always called me “sexy girl”, and was very free with the compliments.  She complimented me on how young I looked, and if I had on anything other than my particularly cleavage-revealing sundress, she would ask why I wasn’t wearing my sexy dress.  Being told I’m sexy while I was feeling ugly was exactly what I needed to hear.  I guess it’s good sometimes to be reminded that showing a bit (ok, a lot) of cleavage can be sexy and fun for my own sake.

I did this vacation on my own, and I’ve often travelled alone before.  I don’t have a problem with it, but I do sometimes struggle with others’ reactions.  In my everyday life, most people I encounter aren’t aware of just how much I isolate myself.  At an all-inclusive resort setting, where coupledom is very much the social norm and tequila makes people loud and chatty, I stand out in my aloneness, enough so that sometimes people felt the need to comment on it.  I was talking to an older couple at one point, and while the wife was saying it was great that I was on my own, the husband’a face told a very different story.  Disgust might be too strong a word, but not by much.  In some cases I’m pretty sure that the service I received was of a lower standard than the couples around me.  I was clearly not falling within the social norm.  Boarding the plane on the way home, the people ahead of me were talking about some guy who’d gotten in a fight with his girlfriend and hopped on a place to Mexico.  Apparently this guy was then lamenting there were no single gals to be found, and one of the women in front of me authoritatively stated “of course not, women don’t travel alone”.  Really?  So what the hell am I?

I also felt like I stood out as an oddity because I was drinking very little.  I’ve found that in when I’m out in the heat and sun all day I get dehydrated very easily, and this makes me prone to more lithium side effects.  Add alcohol into the mix and it just makes things worse.  Minimal drinking was probably better for me anyway, but it was just one more little thing to add to the feeling-lesser-than pot.

All in all, it wasn’t quite the reset that I was hoping for, but it was a chance to put regular life on pause, at least for limited chunks of time.  Hopefully I’ll be able to carry some of that lightness with me as I get back into my everyday existence.

 

Addendum: It’s always good to find a little bit of humour in life.  Right now the very outer layer of skin is peeling off my butt cheeks and the back of my upper thighs, due to a combo of wet swimsuit rash, lots of sun, and insufficient sunscreen application.  I need to pick up a loofah to take care of this whole situation, but in the meantime I look absolutely ridiculous.  It’s the most unsexy thing ever, and it’s a good thing I’m not expecting any action in that department.  So I laugh at myself, and that’s a good thing even if the shower of skin flakes on my bathroom floor is a bit icky.

Advertisements

25 thoughts on “Pressing reset (or maybe just pause)

  1. Revenge of Eve says:

    Well I’VE MISSED YOU!!! I somehow missed your post about your vacay so about three days into your vacation I entered your site into the search bar to find out where you had been. Luckily you had left a post, almost as though it was addressed to me, and I felt much better knowing you were taking time for yourself in sunny Mexico. Welcome back! Although you had a few down times I am super proud that you went and alone at that. I commend you on that. I started taking myself out to eat, alone, about 2 years ago and I enjoy it. I isolate a lot too but haven’t made it on a week long vacation, yet! Last February I did 4 days and 3 nights in Vegas, alone. I loved it but stayed in my room/casino the majority of the time. No regrets and I hope you feel the same about your getaway; no regrets.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Donnalee says:

    It seems like people can be jerks and semi-jerks all over the world. Good for you for going and for trying to take care of yourself. I do not usually drink, so I know how hard it can be in a party setting when everyone else is throwing down the booze and someone chooses not to do so: people can feel judged, so they can seem a little critical at the person who isn’t boozing it up.

    Good luck making the best of the lessons you have learned and having fun at home.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. BeckiesMentalMess.wordpress.com says:

    Welcome back! Sounds like you had moments of reflections as well as developing a bullet journal.
    I agree with you. It’s hard to go away, and expect your illness is going to stay at home. It doesn’t work that way unfortunately.
    At least you were able to soak up some sun, and vitamin D.
    Again, welcome back! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. manyofus1980 says:

    I just want to tell you that you were missed! I noticed you werent around. I wondered where you were. I’m glad you had a fun time. xoxox

    My blog link http://therapybits.com/

    I blog about living with blindness and mental illnesses, dissociative identity disorder, and complex ptsd. Please follow along, like and or comment to my posts. If you have any questions about the blog, please feel free to email me at manyofus1980@gmail.com

    Liked by 2 people

  5. girlwiththepawprinttattoo says:

    Welcome back! It sounds and looks like you had a lovely time! I wish I was in a sunny and warm place right now 😉 also I completely relate when you said that even though you are on vacation it doesn’t mean your mental health takes one too lol if only, right? 😉 so happy you are back and looking forward to reading more of your blogs!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Ashley says:

    I so relate – it’s why I ultimately didn’t run away to Canada, I would have just taken myself with me. You’re so wonderfully honest about it and your sunburnt butt, and for everyone who doesn’t understand how sexy it is for a woman to travel alone, screw them! This was your pause, and they don’t need to understand it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. floatinggold says:

    I remember my Mexico vacation very fondly. The walks on the beach sound relaxing, even though your negative thoughts might have popped in.

    As far as the solo travelling is concerned. I always wondered about that. Why are people so freaked out about people going on vacation by themselves? Or people who go out to eat by themselves? Or for a drink? Why are we such a herd specie?

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s